Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You've changed since you got that strap on
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
