This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize