if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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