either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
