i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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