Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
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