I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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