Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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