There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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