and you said cock pushups were impossible
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
