I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
