i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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