worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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