I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
