Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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