hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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