She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize