Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
