he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
