Who wears a wallet chain?!
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
