There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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