I'm going to jail i love you
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Randomize
