i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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