i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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