I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
