i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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