all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
