giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Randomize
