Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
