The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
There's always time for handjobs
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
