I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize