A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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