Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
