Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
