I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
