I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
