it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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