I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I want a musical about memes.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
