It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize