Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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