Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Randomize
