'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
