Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
