My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
