The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
