I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
