i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
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