i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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