Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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