Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
