True but thats because hes a fetus.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
