When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
