my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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