I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
