Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
