I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
