I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
