If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
